@GerryDuggan

Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.

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@ScreaminMomX2

Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.

@mohitraj

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

@JohnLyonTweets

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

@3sunzzz

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

@behindyourback

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

@Ideal_Victoria

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

@VerbsRProudest

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

@Ilovelamp1979

This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.