Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.