@JustinAHorwitz

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

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@weismanjake

My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don’t remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

@Fickle_Filly

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

@tennisonok

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

@4SLars

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

@emm_downunder

Man Spits on Oranges: Shopkeeper slaps him into his next attempt at life.

@GlennyRodge

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)