Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

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My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don’t remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.


Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*


Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right


I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.


Man Spits on Oranges: Shopkeeper slaps him into his next attempt at life.


Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time


I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)