“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
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[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?