Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
🙅🏻
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve