I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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A repeat offense of a shenanigan is called shenaniganagain
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I had sex and all I got were these kids.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
me: yuck dude what’s that smell
kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit
me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult
wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]