One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I want to congratulate you on learning the definition of abundance.
“Thank you. It means a lot.”
Hey, Vanilla Ice? Remember when you told America that if there was a problem, you’d solve it?
Time to make good.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite
[hits it again]
ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus