@SardonicTart

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

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@MomOnFire

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

@brendohare

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

@joeljeffrey

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

@Brianhopecomedy

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

@crunchenhanced

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

@NotChuckBarkley

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

@randypaint

me: yuck dude what’s that smell

kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit

me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult

@iwearaonesie

wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]