Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

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One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.


Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.


I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.


I want to congratulate you on learning the definition of abundance.

“Thank you. It means a lot.”


Hey, Vanilla Ice? Remember when you told America that if there was a problem, you’d solve it?

Time to make good.


My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”


General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.


Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.


[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus