@SardonicTart

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

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@thenoahkinsey

Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar?

Waiter: This is sugar.

*GB stands pissed*

GB: THIS..IS…SPLENDA!!

*GB kicks waiter through glass panel*

@mommajessiec

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

@truegritrumble

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

@ThisLocalHater

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.

@pleatedjeans

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

@badbanana

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

@OhReallyRach

If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.