Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
oh you wanna fight?!
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
marvel comics have peaked
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job