Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
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Miscakes
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
i hate you platonically
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.