a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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please my credit card it’s very sick
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of college funds…
Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce from Whole Foods.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
IPhone: you sure?
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”