*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
You all made fun of me for hoarding plastic bags. Just filled up every single one of them with gas, so who’s laughing now?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.
8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.
Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”