@rinbcage

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

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@MatCro

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

@rsf788

You all made fun of me for hoarding plastic bags. Just filled up every single one of them with gas, so who’s laughing now?

@iwearaonesie

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@pantsfaced

In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.

@lasergirl70

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

@VerifiedDrunk

Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.

@rotten_mama

Parenting 101

8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.

Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.

@Marlebean

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”