“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin


[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick


[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”


To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of college funds…

Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce from Whole Foods.


I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.


Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho


Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper


Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares


[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”