Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

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I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”


ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses


[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*


Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule


“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash


There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.


“We should see other people”
“It’s not u it’s me”
– coo
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
– coo
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo


I just fought a child-proof container to the death.


If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.