Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
This classic never gets old . . .
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.