Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:

“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”

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[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*


most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you


My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.


“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone


Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere


Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating


Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time


[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose


bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no