DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.