@Disfordilaudid

Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:

“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”

You Might Also Like

@CantWaitToNap

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

@DaddyJew

Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?

Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool

@PhriendlyCody

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

@heatherlou_

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

@1CarParade

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

@DaddyJew

[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

@modestjune

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉