“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:
“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”
You Might Also Like
Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?
Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars
[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉