Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake