evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no