Forever 21… pounds overweight
Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.
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The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!