jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
You Might Also Like
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
same bro
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?