MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet
ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu
ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]
Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.
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*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER
Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes
Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.
i rescue marijuana from the streets.
Comparing yourself to others
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.