@awesomeseank

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.

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@therealeatwood

MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet

ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu

MUGGER: Huh?

ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]

@iwearaonesie

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

@jjhartinger

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

@baseballchickie

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

@hoops_Daddy

Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes

Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.

@FloodyHippie

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

@Book_Krazy

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

@JediGigi

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.