@Jake_Vig YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
@awesomeseank Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.
You Might Also Like
@Jake_Vig 
@mysteryteacher Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
@MEQ_777 I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?
@Mashby811 I think I have a sleeping disorder.
It’s called children
@SomthinBoutSara I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
@dafloydsta Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
@StarWarsProblms Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
@jfrank50 The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
@DannyZuker My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
@squirrel74wkgn Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.