@therealeatwood
MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet
ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu
MUGGER: Huh?
ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]
@awesomeseank
Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.
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@therealeatwood
@iwearaonesie
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
@jjhartinger
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
@baseballchickie
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
@hoops_Daddy
Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER
Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes
Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.
@WhaJoTalkinBout
i rescue marijuana from the streets.
@jakelikesonions
Comparing yourself to others
@FloodyHippie
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
@Book_Krazy
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
@JediGigi
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.