Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.

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YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.


YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.


I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?


I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children


Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Tired parents


Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.


The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.


My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.


Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.