Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.