*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
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3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Try and stop me.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.