“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!