@AmishPornStar1

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

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@just1fool

I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I’d say I’m a success compared to that.

@SatansTongue

Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
“Say dada!”
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
*airhorn noise*

@HomeWithPeanut

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

@Jayson_Two_time

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

@AlanFelyk

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

@gentilecoont

Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.

@VectorBelly

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

@Contwixt

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.