Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
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Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.