“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[eats all your cotton candy]
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.