“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

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I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking


911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..


just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality


Romantic comedies gave me unrealistic expectations about finding work at a magazine.


Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?


Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.


professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood


Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.