@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

You Might Also Like

@EmissaryKerry

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

@Petote

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

@sensual_dad

just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality

@ArielSElias

Romantic comedies gave me unrealistic expectations about finding work at a magazine.

@o__0Dev

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

@HTownHarold

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

@linkindrinkin

professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood

@doublewenis

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.