ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
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It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
wtf management?!
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Raisins are grape jerky.