“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
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Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
when someone compliments me
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
⛄️
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.