Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”