To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
How old are you?
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.
He’s going to change just for you?
Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid