@Ann_tookeen

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

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@MelvinofYork

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

@iwearaonesie

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didnโ€™t get a job because he couldnโ€™t tie a tie.

She meant goals

@dshack8

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

@BunAndLeggings

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

@JaiWalker

*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
*panics*
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
thank GOD.

@IvoryGazelle

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

@Sophie2078

Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.

@tequilasaltlife

He’s going to change just for you?

Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid