[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
(more comics:
Seems legit
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Doctors texting each other.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.