Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

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Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?


*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better


Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*


[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.


me: i’m terrified of socialism

therapist: thanks for sharing

me: [screams]


*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.

*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.


According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later


Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid


I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.


what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog


I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.