Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
me: i’m terrified of socialism
therapist: thanks for sharing
*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.
*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.