@djdarrellripley

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

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@PaperWash

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

@Browtweaten

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

@batkaren

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

@arcadeseals

me: i’m terrified of socialism

therapist: thanks for sharing

me: [screams]

@FuckabillyRex

*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.

*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.

@tayandmae

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

@lias__

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

@Brentweets

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

@nice_mustard

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

@4SLars

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.