Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
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*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Sunday
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses