[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
mood
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived