ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
subtitles are so good nowadays
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
how to market bottled water to dads
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Pickled cat.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?