Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass