ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.