@SirEviscerate

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

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@FatherWithTwins

My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant

@T4dyce

If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.

@Hobo_Splendido

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

@ThaJawn

5: There’s a monster under my bed…

I wouldn’t be scared of monsters, I saw a video of snakes hunting in packs *kisses forehead* goodnight

@FredTaming

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

@iamspacegirl

[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..