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@SirEviscerate: *ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
@TweetPotato314: i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Mom asked about a stock she's owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I've mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
@HansGrubertron: BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that's great
@chrissyteigen: Mom ?