@SirEviscerate

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

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@ThatsSoCorri

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

@bylinetd

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

@MikeDrucker

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

@mynameisntdave

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

@Leslie_Annie

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

@briangaar

Me: Honey, are you awake?
[wife rustles] Hmmm?
Me: When we were fighting & you said “Wolverine’s powers suck,” did you really mean that

@Abusitron

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

@iwearaonesie

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds