@ThatsSoCorri
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
@bylinetd
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
@JustHadOneJob
How not to sell a phone – Level 100
@MikeDrucker
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
@shanethevein
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
@mynameisntdave
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
@Leslie_Annie
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
@briangaar
Me: Honey, are you awake?
[wife rustles] Hmmm?
Me: When we were fighting & you said “Wolverine’s powers suck,” did you really mean that
@Abusitron
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
@iwearaonesie
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
@SirEviscerate