@LarryJLund

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

@CAshmanActor

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

@Marlebean

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

@Ygrene

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

@iwearaonesie

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

@Robert_Beau

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

@JermHimselfish

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.