Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
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This looks like lead poisoning to me!
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Me: Why do you love me?
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Mmmmm white people
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.