Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots