Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Does this mask make my face look funny?
*husband slowly backs out of the room
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.
But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”