@GrantTanaka

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

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@sugarwits

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

@Gilapfeffer

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

@kieransofar

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

@timdonakowski

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

@WisdomGifs

You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.

How ionic.

@Megatronic13

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

@Divergentmama

Does this mask make my face look funny?

*husband slowly backs out of the room

@LostFelicia

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.

But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.

@TomItUp

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”