exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
You Might Also Like
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.