Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
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I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.