[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.