[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.


I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.


My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.


A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*


“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened


BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?


youtube led me to this guy who opens old military ration kits. he just ate a cracker from the civil war. im locked in for this quarantine


Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.


My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman.