excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.