Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
You Might Also Like
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Bike for sale
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu