[excerpt from my failed job application]

??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

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When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since


if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS


best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin


“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person


I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.


Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run


[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes


My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.


Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.