@ShortSleeveSuit

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
??yes
??no
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

You Might Also Like

@KeetPotato

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

@BoucheDag2k

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

@Social_Mime

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

@Mr_Kapowski

Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”

@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.

@david8hughes

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

@WhatsHerFace33

Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.

@BoomBoomBetty

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!