roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”
Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?
Me: Hey! Come back!