Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Jacob_Swift16

When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since

@WeedlordKrillin

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

@Shen_the_Bird

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

@jasonmustian

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

@mattokine

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

@slackerjorge

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

@ArfMeasures

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

@SSparklesDaily

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

@TEXASVETERAN

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

@Darlainky

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.