@KeetPotato
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
@ShortSleeveSuit
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
??yes
??no
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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@KeetPotato
@BoucheDag2k
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
@Social_Mime
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
@Mr_Kapowski
Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”
@robfee
Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.
@david8hughes
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
@WhatsHerFace33
Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.
@DannyZuker
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
@BoomBoomBetty
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
@jctwritesstuff
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!