When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since
[excerpt from my failed job application]
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers
Wife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.