Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.