@OhNoSheTwitnt

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

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@nthonyswan

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

@AimeeHelene1

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

@avainwordland

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

@Havish_AF

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

@gruffybeard

Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking

@annadrezen

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

@DVSblast

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.