EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
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[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I am having an out of money experience.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Check your privilege
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?