@jonnysun

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

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@slobear

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

@VerifiedDrunk

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

@slimmy_shady

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

@miilkkk

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

@iwearaonesie

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

@KimMonte10

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

@RobynPorteous

Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.

@imogenjayy

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.