Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
You Might Also Like
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn