@kateclayborn

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

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@sixfootcandy

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

@NutttyV

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

@boonecomedy

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

@jenlaw_11

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

@PatsATweetin

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

@GingerHotDish

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

@StevieKnip

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

@VodkaShorebird

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

@LlamaInaTux

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

@aotakeo

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine