exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.


According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4


Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor


Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!


Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?


My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.


Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.


Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”


Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv


Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine