I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
You Might Also Like
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
🤣😂
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?