I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
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If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.