@JimmySelfDest

Excruciating cashier small talk; brought to you by chip card readers.

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@TheCatWhisprer

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

@Probablyrad

Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music

@AskinWayne

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

@ianpauldukes

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

@Shade510

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

@Try2StopME

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

@daddydoubts

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

@junejuly12

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.