Excruciating cashier small talk; brought to you by chip card readers.

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Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.


Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music


My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.


My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.


EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*


(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.


I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.


If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”


Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.


I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.