[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?