@JimmySelfDest

Excruciating cashier small talk; brought to you by chip card readers.

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@BlindChow

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

@notmythirdrodeo

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

@djdarrellripley

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

@garrydavenport

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

@ibid78

“We should see other people”
PIGEON: coo
“It’s not u it’s me”
– coo
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
– coo
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo

@rickelverum

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

@WilliamAder

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

@samfromks

*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge*

*Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit*

*Buys $80 worth of donuts*