@JimmySelfDest

Excruciating cashier small talk; brought to you by chip card readers.

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@EliseRose5

When someone says, “Good luck with that” they actually mean “Let me grab some popcorn so I can watch you fail.”

@Sassafrantz

Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.

@daddydoubts

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

@WhatevaConc

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

@ortski83

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

@jazz_inmypants

i don’t know who needs to hear this but u don’t love disney u just haven’t been happy since u were 11

@TechnicallyRon

The Mens Rights subreddit did a poll to show how diverses their users are. They are 80% Single, white, 18-24, american males. HAHAHAHAHAHA

@cray_at_home_ma

And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.