WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Excruciating cashier small talk; brought to you by chip card readers.
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me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
“We should see other people”
“It’s not u it’s me”
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge*
*Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit*
*Buys $80 worth of donuts*
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.