I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
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I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
OMG 🤣🤣
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot