I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
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[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
we’re gonna need another temp