“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Has there ever been a more American story?
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
#DesignFail
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.