Always a housemaid, never a house.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.